MARTIAL ARTS MOMENTS

Some Martial Arts Definitions...

These are meant in fun, so don't take offense. And they ARE funny...

VARIOUS QUOTES FROM PEOPLE:

* Kempo: Percussion class with people as the drums
* Aikido: Origami with people
*Jiu-jitsu: people who fold your laundry for you----while you are still wearing it.
* Tai Chi: martial art overdosed on valium...
* The idea of Taiji is to yield to your opponent's attack.... in most cases the yielding seems to be so pronounced that the idea must be to play on the opponent's pity. :^)
* Someone once told me my Tai Chi would only be useful in fighting NFL replays.
* I once described Tai Chi to my fellow classmates as being just like standing still, only faster.

Minor Martial Arts Dictionary
Aikido: A martial art which allows you to defeat your enemy without hurting him. Unless of course his does not know how to ukemi in which case he has his wrist broken in about 20 places.
Arnis: "Harness of the hand." A Filpino martial art, also known as eskrima and kali, centering around stick, blade and empty hand combat. Mispronanciation of the art guarantees a quick taste.

Bo: A stick.

Bokken: A stick that looks like a sword.

Buddhism: A religious doctrine and a marketing tool to populate asia with statues of short fat bald men.

Chi: A biophysical energy generated through breathing techniques, which in defying the laws of physics and the basic scientific common sense, allows the user to develop super human strength.

Dan: A term used in the Japanese martial arts for anyone who has achieved the rank of at least first-degree black belt.

Darn: The sound uttered when the wearer of a Dan realizes that they will now get hit harder and more frequently during training.

Dojo: "The place of the way." A training hall or gymnasium. Very similar to a B & D parlor but without the mistress.

Hakama: A skirt sometimes worn in the Martial Arts but we don't really like to talk about it.
Iaido: "Way of the sword." The modern art of drawing the samurai sword from its scabbard. A rather interesting art developed around the principle of "look how big mine is".

Judo: "Gentle way." A Japanese art where grown men roll around cuddling each other without apparently doing any damage. These men are often closet Hakama wearers.

Jujitsu: A lot like judo except that these boys like to inflict slightly more damage. Tend to get very angry when accused of being Hakama wearers and often are heard saying "You gotta a big mouth"

Karate: "Empty hand" or "China hand." The primary purpose of this art is the destruction of wood and other natural products. Most Karate styles have a placing on Green Peace's most wanted list. This art will be outlawed by most countries by the turn of the century. Karate people enjoy pain, this is shown by their habit of fighting with their fists on their hips.

Kata: A series of prearranged maneuvers practiced in many of the Oriental martial arts in order to avoid free sparring or anything else that may involve pain.

Katana: A sharp metal stick.

Kendo: A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult ??

Kuk Sool Won: A combination of Kata, Karate, Tae Kwon Do, Zen, Jujitsu and Master definitions but of course the tapes for Kuk Sool Won are much more expensive.

Kung fu: A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Many students of Pray Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves being carted off by men in white lab coats.

Master: A title bestowed on a martial artist who has attained advanced rank after long years of study or has started his own style after achieving kyu grades in at least 4 arts, or has completed the "Become a Master by Video" course available for only 19.95 per month.

Naginata: A stick with a sharp bit on the end.

Ninja: A rather confused individual who likes sneaking around at night in his pajamas.

Ninjutsu: The art of being confused and sneaking around in your pajamas

Sparring: Bashing each other senseless in the hope that nobody realizes that you don't know any kata or techniques.

Tae kwon do: An unusual martial art that relies on its followers to have the flexibility of a professional ballet dancer.

Tai chi chuan: Another unusual art that promises ultimate power from moving very slowly for many years. The drawback being that by the time you develop the ultimate power you are close to death anyway.

Tatami: "Straw mat." A mat usually measuring three by six feet and three inches thick (with bound straw inside.) Original purpose to prevent blood stains on the wooden floor.

Three sectional staff: Three sticks linked together.

Zen: The discipline of enlightenment related to the Buddhist doctrine that emphasizes meditation, discipline, and the direct transmission of teachings from master to student. Mostly taught by rather old and confused monks who have had one too many rocks fall on their heads during waterfall meditation. Works best when sitting in a cave facing a wall for 10 years or so.


Top Ten Reasons for Studying the Martial Arts
By Danny Abramovitch
10) Broken masonry makes great drainage for potted plants.
9) Get beaten up by people half your size and twice your age.
8) Never run out of kindling wood again.
7) No need to wonder what belt to wear.
6) Get to be on first name basis with the Emergency Room staff.
5) These uniforms make nice pajamas.
4) Never need to wonder why it's hard to get up in the morning.
3) Get to appreciate the finer points of Chuck Norris' acting.
2) Learn to count to 10 in 3 different Asian languages.

And the top reason for studying martial arts:

1) (Tie) Get to star in Ginsu commercials. / Three words: free nose job.

You Know You're Hooked on Karate When...
By De Stewart
Do you wake up Saturday mornings stiff and sore?

Is another night like Friday night the only thing that will make you feel better?

Do you workout alone?

Do you find that once you've thrown a jab, you can't stop until you've followed it with a reverse punch? If so, you may be (gasp!!) HOOKED ON KARATE. How do you know? Here are a few clues.

You know you're hooked when the first word out of your parrot's mouth is KIAI!, and you teach your cat how to free spar.

You know you're hooked when you have more bruises than a roller derby queen, and you still go back for more.

You know you're hooked when you shut the refrigerator door with a side thrust kick.

You know you're hooked when you shop for clothes based on whether you can kick in them.

You know you're hooked when the only clothes you'll wear are gis.

You know you're hooked when you actually crave a beach workout.

You know you're hooked when the books on your night stand are by authors like Gichin Funakoshi, Hirokazu Kanazawa and Musashi Miyamoto.
Y
ou know you're hooked when the Twelve Days of Christmas becomes: one boxing bag, two boxing gloves, three shin pads (includes an extra pad for the one you'll inevitably lose), four Tokaido gi's, five rolls of adhesive tape....twelve cases of Tiger Balm.

You know you're hooked when you look for a place to live based on the amount of practice space it provides.

You know you're hooked when you refuse to wear shoes.

Well, how did you score? Does any of these situations sound familiar? If so, it's hopeless - you're hooked. The only option now is to join CKA, Compulsive Karatekas Anonymous. Don't fret though. I'm sure you'll find plenty of familiar faces. See you there.

Iron Crotch Kung Fu
Someone write this to me, and you can see what my response was. The scary part of the following is that what he wrote to me is true, and used to be practiced.
I don't know if you've heard of this but here goes.

Iron Crotch Kung Fu ( I swear I heard this on TV during a demonstration of Kung Fu)
Find a large heavy rock
Place rock on a near by wall
Tie a leather thong (rope) securely around the rock
Tie the other end of the rope around your scrotum
Assume a horse riding stance and walk backwards pulling the rock off the wall and let swing
The scary thing here is that this is a true thing---this sort of thing used to be one of the "tests" given by the Shaolin priests to gauge your chi.
Yipe.
Personally, I think what it REALLY was had to do with the fact that the older priests were tired of having to deal with the high testosterone levels of the younger initiates, so they devised this "test". After doing that a couple of times, testosterone is something your body simply won't produce anymore. Ta-da! Instant serene monk, without that pesky testosterone-based macho attitude.
Ow.
It's supposed to show your would-be attacker that you are impervious to pain. This is definately the case but I'm not sure how practical this would be in a fight. It also shows your attacker you are as thick as a plank.
Strong, tough---and not much for brains. :)
Other Humorous Martial Arts Links
Promotion Requirements for a 11th Degree Black BeltMurphy's Laws of Martial ArtsEnter The Dragon Drinking GameARM's Martial Arts Humor
If you've got any more martial arts humor, MAIL it to me. I can't guarantee that I'll add it, but I'll certainly consider it!Note: if mailing me something, and it seems like someone would care if it's cited, make sure to let me know who wrote it!
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Author: Thomas